She was precious like a flower.

I’ve realized lately how much I’ve grown up in the past year. Really in the past six months. I’ve started thinking differently. Seeing things differently. Seeing life differently. I’ve grown to learn who I am. Who I want to be. Who I’ve always been. I’ve started to realize what I want out of life. Adventure. Laughter. Success. Love. I’ve started to realize that judgement isn’t worth it. Everyone makes mistakes. I’ve made my fair share. What’s past is past. It’s the present that counts. There’s no point in dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future. Taking each day as it comes. That’s the key. But for some reason, everyone is in a rush. In a rush to grow up. Not me. I still have so much to learn about myself. I still have so much I want to do on my own. Maybe life has another plan for me. I certainly didn’t expect to be where I am right now. I never imagined that I’d feel the way I do either. But if you think about it, everything you’ve done in your life, every decision you’ve made, has brought you to the very place you’re at right this second. Every experience has lead you to where you are today. It’s made you who you are today. For a long time, I looked at my past and regretted the decisions I made. Or at least a few. But now I realize that those decisions lead me here. And here is good.

Patience. They say it’s a virtue. Well I say, it’s not one of mine. I think it’s taken me until now to realize that he’s gone. That he’ll be gone for the next two and a half months. That I won’t be able to see him, or hear from him. That I can’t just text him when I want. That I won’t get those random texts that somehow manage to put a smile on my face no matter how my day is going. I won’t be able to kiss him or hug him or look at him for the next eleven weeks. When you put it like that though, it doesn’t sound half bad. Eleven weeks. That’s nothing. That’s what I keep telling myself. That’s what I keep telling everyone else too.

The problem with that though, is I don’t actually believe it. I hide my true feelings. I think the only person that actually understands how much I miss him, is him. I don’t want people to think I miss him. I don’t want people to know that my heart aches at the thought of him. But it does. And it scares me to think how I’ll feel about him after three months. It scares me to think about how he’ll feel about me after three months. Three months of nothing but letters.

Letters. That’s what I’m waiting on. And the wait gets harder and harder everyday.

But in those moments I find myself upset, I think about all the good times we’ve had together. All the times we’ve laughed together. Giggled together. Those times are my favorite times. Laughter. It’s one of the most important things you can have in a relationship. And boy do we have it. We have an abundance of it. I think back to the time we giggled together at Olive Garden when Dan had chocolate in his teeth. The time we tackled each other, and everyone around us looked at us like we were idiots. The times we’ve stayed up talking, laughing until all hours of the night. We have an amazing balance of laughter, adventure, and great conversation. And I think it’s because we’ve been friends for so long. We’ve grown to know each other. We’ve grown to appreciate each other. We’ve grown to like each other. And we’ve grown to really like each other. When I think about that, I realize just how special this is. Whatever it is. Something like this can make it three months. 77 more days. I can do it. We can do it.

I’ve never been good at telling people how I feel, how my heart feels, or what I’m thinking about when it comes to my emotions. It scares me. It makes me feel vulnerable. I hate putting myself out there because doing that means I’m putting my heart in a scary place . I’m putting it at risk of being hurt, of being broken. I’ve had a broken heart before, and even though I know I can handle it, I don’t want to have to again. So instead, I hide in my writing. This is where I feel free. This is my place to escape. It’s my place to tell the world how I feel without being discovered, or being exposed. Here, it’s my world. It doesn’t matter what I say, how I saw it, or why. It’s a place I can fly. It’s a place I can find comfort in, a place I can find peace.

Peace. I’ve found a lot of that lately. I haven’t really had a choice. It’s either be at peace, or fight a battle everyday. And each day brings a new battle. A new struggle. So why not have peace?

Girls are funny. They’re irritating and annoying. I should know. I am one. But the reason why girls bug me, is because I sometimes seriously think I was meant to be a guy…not really of course. In all actuality, I think I’m just unusually mature. I look around and see the way my friends act with their boyfriends, or the guys they wish were their boyfriends, and it makes me laugh. They’re so uncomfortable, unsure, and insecure with their relationships. They require so much attention, and so much work, it’s ridiculous. Now wonder guys think girls are psycho. Because for the most part, they are.

I have people ask me all the time what’s going on with me and the guy I usually write about. My response is normally, “no, we’re not dating, but whatever we’re doing is working for us. I like him. He likes me. I don’t need to define anything. There’s no point. I’m happy with where we’re at.” They usually look at me in one of two ways:

1. Wow. That is so awesome, and mature of you.

OR

2. Umm…are you seriously okay with that? Because obviously if ya’ll aren’t together there’s a problem.

But in reality, there is no problem. He is one of my best friends. And on top of that, I have feelings for him. What more could anyone ask for? Oh yeah…and he’s seriously the most amazing guy I have ever met. He continues to surprise me, everytime I see him, and everytime I hear from him. He’s not the guy I once thought he was. Two years ago, I swore up and down that I would never date him. I liked him. I had fun with him. And he was very attractive. But I would never date him.

I’ve learned that you can’t always look at someone’s past or reputation. Someone can look so good on paper, but in all actuality, be a horrible person. And other people could look not so hot on paper, and completely surprise you with the person they are. He surprised me. And that is VERY hard to do.

I’ve always secretly loved Valentines Day. I think it’s a day to remind us all just how much we are loved. This year, I was reminded of that. Or at least, I was reminded of just how much I am liked. For the first time, I was genuinely surprised when there was a knock on my door. As I turned the corner, I could see through the glass window pain, a vase full of beautiful roses and flowers. Surely they weren’t for me. Except they were. So as the flourist left, I turned around, read the attached note and got that giddy, happy, in-like feeling I’ve longed for for such a long time. He’s unlike any other guy I’ve ever met. He takes the time to make the little things, the big things. He’s thoughtful. He’s generous. He’s kind. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He’s respectful. He’s strong. He’s my best friend. And he quite possibly could be the one for me. Boy, would that be a surprise.

“It’s the oldest story in the world. One day you’re seventeen and planning for someday and then quietly and without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and then someday is yesterday, and this is your life.

We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing. But ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming.

If you had a friend you knew you’d never see again, what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love? What would it be. Say it. Do it. Don’t wait. Nothing lasts forever.

Make a wish, and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. DO you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true.

You never know where the next miracle will come from. The next memory. The next smile. The next wish come true.

But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you’re wishing for.

The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it.

So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart.”

Timing is everything. A year ago I swore up and down that I would never date him. That he wasn’t my type. That he wasn’t the type of guy I wanted or the type of guy I needed. Well sometimes life proves you wrong. Sometimes, people prove you wrong.

I’ve always wanted my life to be a movie. The perfect love story, with the perfect guy. Kind of far fetched, but I’m a romantic. That’s something that was embedded into my DNA long before I even knew what love was. What love meant. What it felt like and what it looked like.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in love. It’s been a while since I’ve felt anything, really. I’ve kept my heart gaurded. I haven’t let my heart feel. That is until about four months ago. When someone breaks down your walls, when someone makes you feel again, even when you don’t want to, even when you do everything in your power not to, that’s when you know that person is special. That, that person will always be special, at least to you.

The basis of a good relationship is friendship, and when I look at him, the first thing I see is a friend. From the second I met him, something with us just clicked. It just felt right. It was easy and comfortable. But I always underestimated him. Not that I thought he was a bad guy, I just didn’t think he was the guy for me.

And maybe he’s not, but right now, it seems to me like he is. He’s one of the greatest guys I’ve ever met. He’s respectful beyond belief. A true gentleman. That’s hard to find. He makes me laugh and smile. He’s comfortable with who he is. He’s honest. He’s not afraid to speak his mind. He has dreams. He has goals. He’s a hard worker. And although he never says it, he has a soft heart, deep down, past his “rebelious” exterior, is a “good guy.”

He’s awakened my heart to something new, to something different. He’s shown me that there are good guys out there. He’s shown me what I’ve always wanted to see. He makes me nervous, but not because of any other reason than for the fact that I like him, and liking him means I’m vulnerable.

His touch. It’s comforting. And his kisses have a way of sending sparks through my entire body. That look. With those damn eyes. It makes me blush. That look, it says so much. Have you ever noticed that? That one look can tell a person’s whole story. It can say exactly what’s on their mind. Exactly what they’re thinking. Exactly how they’re feeling.

Why is it that life plays jokes on you more often than not? Timing. That’s everything. Why is it that this all had to start now? Now. Why not last year? God’s timing is perfect. At least that’s what they say. So for now, I have to put my hope, and my faith in that.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in a month from now, a year from now, or four years from now. All I know is that today, my feelings for him are real. We’ll see what the future holds for us. But no matter what, I want him in my life. As a friend. Or as more. I guess we’ll see when the time comes. But for now, I’m standing beside him. I’m supporting him. And I’m genuinely excited for him. I know how much he wants this. How excited he is. And that makes me happy. That doesn’t mean I won’t miss him. I will. Everyday. But I rest in knowing that one day he’ll be home. And that day, I’m looking forward to. Until then, I’ll take in every moment with him. I’ll make memories with him that will keep me company in the dark of the night. They’ll bring me peace, and comfort when I’m lonely. And when I don’t have him, I’ll have those memories. Those memories will be the next best thing.

I lay here in my bed, thoughts running through my head like wildflowers in a field. Jumbled and mixed up. But I rest in knowing that God’s plan for me is perfect, and that everything happens for a reason. My heart, the one that has been bruised, broken, and scarred, has long awaited to be awakened. For the first time, I’ve started to let someone else in; I’ve started to have true and real feelings for someone new, and that someone is an absolutely amazing person, and an absolutely amazing man. And I don’t think I realized any of this until tonight, when I found out that our time left together is short.

I haven’t posted on here in a LONG time. But over the past several months, I’ve learned a lot about myself.

For starters, when I love someone, I love them with my whole heart, which is why it takes me longer to move on than most people. I’ve always been a dreamer and a romantic. I’ve always wanted that perfect fairytale love you read about in books, but for the past two years, I did everything I could to do exactly the opposite. I refused to let anyone in, putting up a wall that only I could see. Slowly though, I’ve let the wall come down. I’ve learned a lot the past two years. I learned that college is the time to have fun, to experience life, to learn about yourself, and to figure out who you are, and what you want. I’ve dated plenty of people, most of which had more negative qualities than positive ones. And yes, I might have high standards, but that’s not a bad thing. I’m not settling. I’m waiting until I find the guy that has all the qualities I’m looking for in a MAN. Someone who truly respects me, and respects my values. Someone who is ambitious, who thinks about their future, and works hard at everything he does. Someone who can make me laugh. Someone I can have fun with. Somone I can count on. Someone who isn’t afraid to tell me like it is (in a nice way.) Someone who protects me. Someone who pursues me. Someone who is smart, and has good common sense. Someone who is just as affectionate as I am. Someone who wants the same things as I do. Somone who believes in the same things I do. And most importantly, I want a man who wants Jesus at the center of his life.

I’ve been closed off to every person I’ve dated for the past two years. Until now.

I don’t want to miss out on a good thing. Does that mean I want to get into a serious relationship right now? NO. I want to let things work themselves out in their own time. Right now, I’m content. I actually like someone for the first time in a long time, and if things work out, that’s great. If not, that’s fine too. I’m letting life take me where it wants me.

Finding a good guy is rare. So if I’ve found one, I’m not going to push him away. So for now, we will see.

People come and go but memories last forever.

I hate change. I always have, but I know that I’m where I am for a reason. Today I heard a beautiful song that reminded me just how sweet love can be and that one day, I’ll get what God has for me. That’s exciting.

Good In Goodbye by Carrie Underwood

I heard you laughing in a crowd outside a restaurant we used to go to
I caught a glimpse that stopped me in my tracks
It took me back
You looked happy with that little girl on your shoulders, happy
I know where she got those crystal eyes of blue
Time’s been sweet to you


As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye

I don’t regret it
The time we had together
I won’t forget it
But we both ended up where we belong
I guess goodbye made us strong
And yeah I’m happy
I found somebody too who makes me happy
And I knew one day I’ll see you on the street
And it’d be bittersweet

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye
Yeah, yeah

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you got to let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah someday you’ll see the reason why
There’s good in goodbye, yeah
There’s good in goodbye